Epiphany

Epiphanies. They happen to us a few times in our lives. Sometimes you have one and your world lights up. Sometimes you have one and it makes you feel a little down.

Today I am a little frustrated. I have been working a lot this week (which is good), but my body is worn out. I haven't had time to head to the store, so I'm pretty low on foods. And I haven't been getting as much sleep as I need to. So today I have just been tired and in deep thought. The same questions and feelings keep popping into my brain. Why am I not happy? I think about every detail in my life and find what makes me feel good and what makes me feel whatever. Then I find what upsets me and try and find ways to accept it, or change it.

Then I thought today, maybe modeling is not what I am supposed to be doing. Waiting in castings, waiting in fashion shows and getting little money (compared to the US). Modeling should maybe be my side job, while I focus on a career.

The owner had his driver take a few of us to a casting this afternoon for a catalog shoot. His car is a really nice Mercedes that is incredibly comfortable. So as I sunk into the plush leather seats, my mind was racing.

We arrived at a large house which is where the photographer lives and where his studio is located. It's a pretty nice place, that had exotic birds I have never seen before in the living room.

We sat in the sitting area of the studio and the photographer put on some music. The first song that came on, had lyrics that said I'm 500 miles from home, and something just about being away and wanting to come back. Then the next song was about how the singer is trying to get to California. Most of the songs that played were about California. And the creepy part was, it was like the playlist just new what I was thinking and played song after song about how I felt.

Then the songs switched to all the classic rock songs that Dad used to listen to and love. Sitting there, my mind racing, missing dad. I almost cried. But I held it in with all the strength I had. But it was so hard, know that I will never be able to listen to those songs with him again.

When the photographer found out I was from LA, he got super excited. He used to live in San Fran and loved telling me about how much he loved it there. He was also excited because he has never shot an American model before. So that was kind of cool.

This guy is a little older and has scars and all sorts of stories to tell. He is a world traveler and is very in touch with his creative side. His English is pretty good, minus his heavy accent. Boring, is a word that could never be used to describe him.

Before he left, he read all of our palms. He looked at mine a little longer and he said I will be successful, but not as a model. He asked me what I studied and he said I would be a wonderful actor (Radio Jessica). It was shocking that he said those things to me without even knowing me. He was right. I'm trying to slowly switch careers and some how he got that just by looking at my hands. This makes me want to come home and get started on the rest of my life. I'm ready to move on. This was my epiphany.I need to do what I am passionate about. And right now, I am not sure if it's modeling.